Learning to Dance with Your Emotions
“Emotions are data, not directives.” – Susan David
I love this reminder because so often we treat emotions as orders we have to obey. Angry? Snap. Sad? Retreat. Anxious? Avoid. But emotions are not commands. They are signals, carrying information about what matters to us. There are no “good” or “bad” emotions, they are just feelings that are telling us something. Emotional agility is the skill of listening to those signals without letting them run the show.
Why it matters
When we ignore our emotions, they tend to get louder. I had a wonderful lecturer at Uni that had this brilliant saying “when you bury your emotions… you bury them alive”. When we fuse with them, they take the wheel. Emotional agility helps us find the middle ground and see emotions as useful data, but not marching orders.
When we practise this, we:
Respond with choice rather than react on autopilot
Stay grounded and flexible under pressure
Build deeper self-awareness and resilience
In short, it is how we move through life’s ups and downs without getting stuck in them.
Here’s the science bit
Susan David’s research shows that emotional agility is one of the strongest predictors of wellbeing, healthy relationships, and even effective leadership. People who can acknowledge and work with their emotions, instead of denying or being dominated by them, report:
Greater resilience and lower stress
More openness and creativity
Stronger relationships, because they can express themselves without being controlled by their feelings
This is not about forced positivity. It is about creating enough space between you and your emotions to decide what really matters in that moment.
How to start: The 4N practice
One simple way to build emotional agility is with the 4N practice, a tool I learned from Dr Lucy Ryan. It is a gentle, four-step check-in you can use anytime emotions are running high:
Name – Put a label on the emotion. “I feel anxious.” “I feel frustrated.” Naming reduces its intensity.
Notice – Where do you feel it in your body? What is happening in your thoughts? Simply observe without judgement.
Neutralise – Take a breath and remind yourself, “This is data, not a directive.” You do not have to act on it.
Nurture – Ask, “What do I need right now?” It could be rest, reassurance, or a next step that aligns with your values.
Try this as a mini exercise
Next time you feel swept up by an emotion - perhaps irritation in traffic, nerves before a meeting, or sadness after a conversation, pause and run through the 4Ns.
Name it
Notice it
Neutralise it
Nurture yourself with what you really need
Even two minutes of doing this can shift you from being in the emotion to being with it.
Why it is worth it
Emotions are part of being human. They point us towards what matters. But they do not have to steer the ship. When you practise emotional agility, you get to use emotions as signposts, while staying in charge of the direction you take.
So the next time a strong feeling rises, remember Susan David’s words: emotions are data, not directives. Use the 4Ns to pause, tune in, and choose your response.
✨ Thriving is not about never feeling. It is about feeling fully, and use everything we feel as a signal for what we need