Talking Back to the Voices: Building Real Resilience
Resilience gets talked about like it’s something you either have or you don’t. But the truth? It’s not a fixed trait. It’s a process.
The most useful definition I have found for resilience is this: “Resilience is a process to harness resources in order to sustain wellbeing.” (Southwick, 2014)
The reason I think this is most useful is that it doesn’t speak to the usual definitions of toughing it out or “just coping.” It talks about the importance of gathering up the tools, people, and practices (“resources”) that help us stay steady, and can build as we go through life. These resources then become our gifts to help us through tough time, and buffer us from the worst of it. And one of the biggest resources we all have? The way we think.
Why it matters
When challenges hit, it’s often our own inner voices that trip us up before life even gets the chance. You know the ones - the catastrophiser, the critic, the worrier at 3am. Left unchecked, those voices drain our energy and erode our confidence.
Resilience grows when we learn not to take every thought as fact, but to pause, challenge, and reshape the story in our heads. That’s how we harness the resource of our thinking to sustain wellbeing.
Here’s the science bit
Research on cognitive appraisal (Lazarus, 1991) shows that how we interpret a situation has as much impact on our stress response as the situation itself.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and positive psychology interventions demonstrate that challenging unhelpful thoughts can reduce anxiety and boost wellbeing.
Southwick and Charney’s resilience research highlights that flexible thinking styles are one of the core skills resilient people rely on.
In short: changing the conversation in your head literally changes the way your brain — and body — respond to challenges.
How to start (be a NERD about it)
I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a nerd when it comes to this science. Which is handy, because “NERD” also happens to be the perfect acronym for a simple technique to talk back to those pesky voices:
N — Notice. Catch the voice when it pipes up. (“I’m rubbish at this,” “I’ll never manage…”)
E — Evidence. Ask: what evidence supports this thought? And what evidence goes against it? If possible, try and find as many perspectives and evidence for and against.
R — Reframe. Gently shift the lens to the positive (if possible) or at least the neutral (if positive seems too ridiculous). Instead of “I can’t do this,” try “This is hard, but I’ve handled hard things before.”
D — Dance (or celebrate). Give yourself credit for catching and reshaping the thought. A little fist pump, a smile, a dance in the kitchen, whatever works.
Try this as a mini-exercise
Think of a moment this week when one of your voices got loud - maybe the critic, the worrier, or the catastrophiser.
Run it through NERD. Notice it, check the evidence, reframe it, then celebrate the win.
Reflect. How did it feel to talk back, instead of just believing the thought? Did your energy shift, even a little?
Why it’s worth it
Resilience isn’t about silencing the voices completely. It’s about building the muscle to respond differently when they show up. Each time you practise, you’re literally rewiring your brain to choose a more helpful story.
And over time? That’s how you harness one of your most powerful resources - your mind to sustain wellbeing. Just as Southwick described.
So, the next time your inner critic pipes up, get your NERD on. It may sound simple, but those tiny shifts in thinking are what add up to real resilience.
✨ Thriving doesn’t mean never struggling. It means knowing how to bounce back, one thought at a time.